Change

Writing has never been as difficult as it has been in past year. It is easier to be silent than to travel a journey which can bring hidden painful moments at each step of the way. It’s been long since I expressed myself through writing… longer since I used writing for my catharsis. Sometimes I feel so different to what I once used to be… as if I am a new person living in old me. One thing I have clearly learned in life is that, ‘Things change‘. Change is only thing that is constant in life… We cannot resist the change. The more we try to resist it, the more it will end up causing frustration. Only point which seems to matter is that, ‘Is the change good or bad?’ But how to determine that? Why do we end up persecuting ourselves with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Life is not about white and black always… grey does exist! Some things are categorized as black and some things are categorized as white. But most things in the world aren’t either. The interesting thing about grey parts, however, is that proportion of ‘white’ and ‘black’ in grey depends on no one except us. But how to determine the boundaries of ‘white’ and ‘black’ in grey? That’s a mystery!

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Every moment in our lives brings a change within us… sometimes it’s subtle and sometimes it’s evident. Everything we do, changes us. Everything we change ends up changing us. The only lasting truth of our actions in life is ‘change’. Dealing with a change within us is an important phase of journey in itself. What it requires, dear friends, is transformation from ‘denial’ to ‘acceptance’, strength to face the deep inner fears, and energy to reveal the altered self.

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” 

Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that empty space is being created in your life for something new to emerge. Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. Let you be clear in only one thing: your choices!

So, ‘you must not be frightened if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever seen; if a restiveness, like light and cloud-shadows, passes over your hands and over all you do’. Don’t be afraid if a feeling confronts you weird-er than ever before, casting its shadow over all you do. You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any miseries, or any depressions? For after all, you do not know what work these conditions are doing inside you, right?

Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves. Look for the answers but do not stop moving ahead in your journey for them. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present, you need to live the question. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Keep growing quietly and seriously throughout your whole development; you cannot disturb it more rudely than by looking outward and expecting from outside replies to questions that ONLY your inmost feeling in your most hushed hour can perhaps answer.

Be loyal to yourselves. To be loyal to yourself is to allow yourself to grow and change, and challenge who you are and what you think. The only thing you are for sure is unsure, and this means you are growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.

Oh and last but by no means least, don’t be afraid of your fears. They’re not there to scare you. They’re there to let you know that something is worth it. :)

Today, I am accepting the changes I have gone through within. Today, I am writing to give myself strength. Today, I am writing to be the characters that I am not. Today, I am writing to explore all the things I’m afraid of. Are you willing to do the same?

Special thanks to:

–       All precious readers who have been still visiting the blog and giving valuable feedback.

–       A special random unknown reader who recognized me in a crowd after a glimpse of second, and made me realize how written words can still help souls to get connected even when we face lack of connection with ourselves. Thank you, wherever you are. I may not be able to meet you again but your comments and overwhelming feedback ended up constituting one of most memorable and cherishing moments of my life.

–       A cherished friend in a mentor who has been pushing me to write even when I forgot to write. :) Your presence is priceless.

–       Dedi, for making me realize that my readers ‘own’ my words. I shall soon be sharing poems I wrote in the lost time. :)

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Wanderer to Wonderer…

It has been some time since I last wrote my post about being a Lost Wanderer.

To be honest, it’s been six months now since Allah jee revealed the realities of ‘conflicts’ and ‘dumbness’. It’s been six months that I was made to start my journey from darkness to light (Alhamdullilah)… as Allah SWT says:

God leads believers from darkness to Light. [2:257]

I may not have been a strong believer. But there is one thing which we need to remember ALWAYS is that Allah’s love never decreases for us. He is always there for all His support, mercy & love. It depends on us whether we can try calling Him once or not =) He ALWAYS answers our call, whether we understand it at that very moment or not.

Darkness, as a matter of fact, teaches us the meaning and significance of light. Darkness makes us search for light. In that quest, aware of our weaknesses, we usually feel tired and decide to give in rather than stand up to it. It’s only the helplessness, which makes one realize the existence of Someone with higher authorities… Someones who loves us unconditionally… Someone who is watching and waiting for us to call Him.

“And He found you lost, and guided [you]” [93:7]

It’s commonly said that some lessons are best learned through pain. Somethings can only be understood in peaks of pain & haunting, when a new journey is ready to begin. Sometimes our visions become clear only after our eyes are washed with tears. Sometimes we have to be broken so we can be whole again. Whatever of ache your heart is feeling right now, trust Allah. Hold on :) No matter what happens, where life takes you, hold on to your relationship with Allah. Because when we lose God, it is not God who is lost rather it’s our very own soul.

And while covering the journey from darkness to light, Allah’s love for us starts depicting itself in signs spread all around us. Who says miracles don’t happen? They happen, in every day life, in minutest of things, IF only we ‘try’ to reflect. And these signs have the potential to make any wanderer a ‘wonderer’ under the shade of Immortal Love.

Having Allah in your heart does not mean in your heart does not mean that you won’t be facing any storm. Rather it means that NO storm can be able to sink your boat. So no matter what happens, always trust His love for you and trust the plans of wisdom higher than yours.

Don’t let your source of fulfillment be anything other than your relationship with Allah. Don’t let your definition of success, failure, or self-worth be anything other than your position with Him. And if and when you do this, you become unbreakable, because your handhold is unbreakable. You become unconquerable, because your supporter can never be conquered. And you will NEVER become empty, because your source of fulfillment is unending and never diminishes.

Before this year ends, let us pray that may we have the hindsight to know where we’ve been, the foresight to know where we are going, and the insight to know when we have gone too far. May Allah be our guider and helper in all we do because His forgiveness is wider than our sins and we have more hope in His mercy than in our own deeds :)

O Lord, grant me your love, grant me that I love those who love you; grant me, that I might do the deeds that win your love. Make your love dearer to me than the love of myself, my family and wealth. (Tirmidhi)

Ameen sum ameen.

PS: My this post is dedicated to Noor’e Eemaan & Loyals.

JazakAllah Baba. Fari Baji, I miss you! =)

Lost Wanderer…

‘A writer isn’t quiet when he’s silent, he’s quiet when he’s not writing.’

It’s not very long ago when the above mentioned words from my university fellow, Humayun Javed, got my attention stuck. And I kind of realized the reason behind my ‘numbness‘, ‘dumbness‘ and ‘dead silence‘. Or may be it was my own strong desire of being stifle and choke off which made inner walls get so high. I still don’t know what made me start writing, at first place, but what I know for sure is that writing is form of my personal freedom, self-exploration, catharsis and everything that keeps my mind away from being messed and confused. It becomes a source of establishing my connection with the world inside me, who I really am! But what can one write when he’s in conflicts with no one but himself?

I know I’m writing about myself ‘clearly and directly’ after a LONG time… and perhaps it was LEAST possible thing I had ever imagined to do. Especially now, when I am not even sure that I remember how to write or not. I’m not even sure that whether this all will make sense or not, but I still want to try. Just few moments ago, a friend writer of mine, Salman Saeed, that either emotions push us to get back to our medium for expression of soul or some motivation, and I so felt like replying to him that sometimes it’s the ‘fear‘ mixed with ‘hope‘ which forces us to hold the only straw that can keep us from drowning… the only fragile thread to stitch us with our identity!

Identity is a strange word, and let us not even get into discussion which can lead to fogged identity. Let us get back to where we were… Self-Conflict, that was! It’s a famous saying that , ‘The torment of human frustration, whatever its immediate cause, is the knowledge that the self is in prison, its vital force and “mangled mind” leaking away in lonely, wasteful self-conflict’. And this realization of being inside penitentiary 24/7 can be as pinching as one can ever imagine it to be…

Every day I wake up in the morning, and wonder what will I be able to do with drained energies and extinguished passions? Every moment, I wonder about the mask I have to wear for whole day, trying to escape from what I feel, to feel normal amongst others. However at the end of the day, whenever I try lying inside my own penitentiary and stand in front of the mirror of self-realization , I see a weird girl. A girl, who is somewhat unknown to me. I look at her closely and I notice teary eyes with deep dark emptiness around them. Not to forget that the weary smile turns into trembling lips. While I observe this all, I notice a tiny drop of water trickling down her cheek and I ask myself ‘Is this me ?

During the whole day, the fight with myself continues… the hauntings have been part of my life from a whole year and they seem to be embedded in every aspect of my life… I hope to be a ‘warrior’ but that’s not possible with ‘spirits on last breaths’.

They say, ‘All who wander are not lost’… But perhaps, I’m turning to be one of the lost cases

If possible, remember me in prayers please.

Pain…

‘It is your own thoughts, fears & interpretations that cause you pain, NOT the world. You can tell how strong you are by how much truth you can tolerate.’

The metamorphosis of man/woman’s level of tolerance brings them to a stage wherein they can themselves assess whether they are capable of accepting what’s true or not. – Sultan Hijazi

Immortal Love…

While talking to a thinker yesterday, I realized that life wounds all of us. At best there is sorrow enough to go round. Yet because the deepest wounds are those of the soul and hidden to mortal sight, we keep hurting each other day by day, inflicting wounds that time mercifully scars over. But the scars remain, ready at a touch to throb angrily and ache again with the old gnawing wild pain…

We all bear scars. Life is a struggle, and hurts must come. What needs to be considered is that we shouldn’t be the reason of anyone’s agony. Pains are part of life. But why the unnecessary ones? Why hurt the souls of innocent people? Why say things to them that they must remember with pain all their lives? Why say the smart, tart thing that goes straight to the heart of someone we love because we would relieve ourselves of the day’s tension and throw off a grain of the soul’s bitterness? Who are we to inflict wounds and suffering and scars on those about us? Staggering, blind mortals, groping our way from somewhere “here” to somewhere “there” conscious of little but the effort to stay “here” a little longer!  It behooves us to travel softly, regardful of one another’s happiness, particularly where our path crosses that of those dependent upon us for comfort or enters into the heart of innocent and sincere relations.

At times, life throws us from the seventh sky on the ground. Recalling those bitter and crushing memories renew the ache in our breast and the throb of pain in our throat. The scars provided by love are always thin, and the hurt beneath it quivers quickly. Lost, betrayed and shattered with a drowning heart we get engulfed by a layer of questions; Why me? What action of mine led to such circumstances? Is God checking/testing me or punishing me for my deeds? Never-ending list of questions make everything in our mind jumbled and we are left with uncertainty and doubt.


But right in that peak moment of doubt and dismay, a virtual hand comes and lifts us up. The softening and comforting tissues heal our wounds and the understanding pat on our shoulder makes us learn what we were supposed to learn from all those experiences. That hand, that realization and that support which becomes our companion when we think that we don’t deserve any love is by no one but the Eternal Love, Our Creator.

They say that “To trust in the arm of flesh is foolishness; to suppose that we are self-sufficient is naive. This nation will survive and prosper only as God permits it to do so, and his permission rests upon our obedience to him and his gospel. He brought forth this nation. He gave us our liberty. He inspired our federal constitution. But it is for us to preserve these priceless blessings by our repentance and obedience to God. Our sins and haughty attitudes can only bring us sorrow.” Allah allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in ANY other way. The way we learn those lessons is NOT to deny the feelings BUT to find the meanings underlying them.

It’s said that ‘God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world’…

So, if anyone of you is also going through a twisted phase of life, look inside your heart and rebuild your connection with The One who’s most sincere of all. Because certainly He is the most loyal. He never leaves you no matter what you do, UNLESS you’re not willing to be loved by Him. I read a quote saying, ‘When someone walks out on you.. God walks in.. He’s been there the whole time. Your NOT alone’. Remember one thing, God is never angry to you. He’s just disappointed, or proud of you.

And as they say, ‘Though our feelings come and go, God’s love for us don’t’. So Let us all ‘try’ to make Him feel proud by submitting our desires to Him! =)

Barbadi-e-Ishq.

I have been addicted to this heart-touching magical composition for two and half months.

What I need to ask in this post is that when does love actually destroy us?

Ishq apni sarisht mein barbadi nai pakezgi le kar aata hai. Phir iska mukadar barbadi ke hathon mein kab aur kyun thama diya jata hai?


A very beloved relation of mine, My dedi, answered it by saying ‘Ishq barbaad nahin karta. Iske reception, implication aur is main chupe muqaddas aur nek jazboon ka hawis mein tabdeel hona barbaad karta hai. Talab barbaad karti hai. Jab ishq main talab aur hawis khatam ho jaye, tow phir yeh barbaad nai abaad karta hai.

I can’t agree more with what she said :) She said what exactly was on my mind.

What do you all say?

Untitled.

Aghraz ke gehray pardon mein,

Alfaaz ke jhootay rangon mein,

Har shaks muhabbat karta hai,

Hallankay muhabbat kuch bhi nahin.


Kia tum waqiye itnay dilkash ho?

Ya meri nazar ka dhoka hai?

Main tum se muhabbat karti hon,

Hallanke muhabbat kuch bhi nahin.


Translation:

In deep realms of desires,

In deceptive colours of words,

Love reaches to every soul,

Despite knowing that it’s nothing.


Does the attraction really forms you?

Or is it just my madness making me blind?

I can’t stop loving you for a moment,

Despite knowing that it’s nothing.


Composed & Translated by:

Hira Zainab