Lost Wanderer…

‘A writer isn’t quiet when he’s silent, he’s quiet when he’s not writing.’

It’s not very long ago when the above mentioned words from my university fellow, Humayun Javed, got my attention stuck. And I kind of realized the reason behind my ‘numbness‘, ‘dumbness‘ and ‘dead silence‘. Or may be it was my own strong desire of being stifle and choke off which made inner walls get so high. I still don’t know what made me start writing, at first place, but what I know for sure is that writing is form of my personal freedom, self-exploration, catharsis and everything that keeps my mind away from being messed and confused. It becomes a source of establishing my connection with the world inside me, who I really am! But what can one write when he’s in conflicts with no one but himself?

I know I’m writing about myself ‘clearly and directly’ after a LONG time… and perhaps it was LEAST possible thing I had ever imagined to do. Especially now, when I am not even sure that I remember how to write or not. I’m not even sure that whether this all will make sense or not, but I still want to try. Just few moments ago, a friend writer of mine, Salman Saeed, that either emotions push us to get back to our medium for expression of soul or some motivation, and I so felt like replying to him that sometimes it’s the ‘fear‘ mixed with ‘hope‘ which forces us to hold the only straw that can keep us from drowning… the only fragile thread to stitch us with our identity!

Identity is a strange word, and let us not even get into discussion which can lead to fogged identity. Let us get back to where we were… Self-Conflict, that was! It’s a famous saying that , ‘The torment of human frustration, whatever its immediate cause, is the knowledge that the self is in prison, its vital force and “mangled mind” leaking away in lonely, wasteful self-conflict’. And this realization of being inside penitentiary 24/7 can be as pinching as one can ever imagine it to be…

Every day I wake up in the morning, and wonder what will I be able to do with drained energies and extinguished passions? Every moment, I wonder about the mask I have to wear for whole day, trying to escape from what I feel, to feel normal amongst others. However at the end of the day, whenever I try lying inside my own penitentiary and stand in front of the mirror of self-realization , I see a weird girl. A girl, who is somewhat unknown to me. I look at her closely and I notice teary eyes with deep dark emptiness around them. Not to forget that the weary smile turns into trembling lips. While I observe this all, I notice a tiny drop of water trickling down her cheek and I ask myself ‘Is this me ?

During the whole day, the fight with myself continues… the hauntings have been part of my life from a whole year and they seem to be embedded in every aspect of my life… I hope to be a ‘warrior’ but that’s not possible with ‘spirits on last breaths’.

They say, ‘All who wander are not lost’… But perhaps, I’m turning to be one of the lost cases

If possible, remember me in prayers please.

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19 Comments

  1. i know these feelings , they are almost same as mine ^_^
    May God helps you finding the way out of it ^_^

    • Ermm… Is that mughees? :)
      Ameen. May Allah be your guider and helper too, ameen :)

    • Yes that is Mughees! :)

    • yup mughees here :S and who are yu salman ? :S

  2. @ Hira: I have the similar situation with me. I have the same questions in my inner most sanctums! Why?! Why do you keep me awake? Why do you keep my soul from wandering? What are you? How do I break your spell? How do I stop the tears! I’m dissolved in those intoxicating eyes. Those eyes that tear me to pieces. Those eyes that shatter the mirror every time i attempt to break free from the flesh. Those eyes make another loop around me and the chains become more unbreakable. Though every bond I make you break. Why am I the keeper of unspoken volumes? Why don’t you untangle me? Let me break free to where nothing matters. Why do you undulate between good and evil? I want to be free. From all that holds me to that shell. The ghost in the shell wants its liberation. Yet… Yet… Are we same? Are you as dual? Are you as torn? Why… Can’t… We… Break free…

  3. A.A
    MAy be i m right or not but as we learn ABC and then words , easy things first and then the harder ones
    The vaccination is the weakened germ of same disease
    Same is the case With LOVE with ALLAH
    we r posed to a smaller situation and then wanted to be realized that HE LOVES us the most ,indifferent of whatever we are , whatever we do
    HE wants us to be stronger enough to be capable of being a receptor of HIS LOVE
    and u should be thankful to him as u r blessed cz u r one of the chosen ones….=)

  4. […] Lost Wanderer… […]

  5. Now when you’ve broken free from the block by writing this post you’ll gradually find clues to your conundrums; I’m so sure of it!

    I too am stuck in a phase where one cant liberate oneself by converting thoughts into words and phrases. Your post should inspire me to try and find my way out. Thanks :)

  6. seriously…………… i m sooo confused how to comment n what to?
    but point is that is the phase of life
    one cannot say he is that strong tp face offf everything but seriously how u take this world is so marvellous
    at tym i m even too exhuasted n feel the same
    hope to see u well again
    LOVE Ya
    tc

  7. I feel you dear.
    I love the quote at the top of the page as well as the ‘All who wander are not lost’. This is exactly how I felt the last two semesters of my writing classes. (poetry & Storytelling) Believe it or not though, as indifferent as I was feeling, they still published four of my works in the University’s E-zine. Still, I’ve been in a rut for so long that I barely have a desire to write anymore. I probably could have taught my Poetry course, which was simply discouraging. I think the only reason I passed was because I was because I was so involved in the workshops and helped everyone else find their voice.
    I’ve been tempted to write similar things on my blog, but I’m not sure how productive that would be. However, you make a solid point with your post and it makes me take a deeper look at myself and my own writing. I read somewhere that sitting around waiting for inspiration is for amateurs. However, I find very little to be inspired by these days. I’m simply written out and it’s hard to find new ways to say old things. Although, I do find myself leaning more towards prose.
    Your post here is very awakening.

  8. Assalamu alaikum….
    I am quite impressed with the way you’ve put your thoughts here…while reading one goes into those deepest of emotions…like you are feeling those teary eyes…even though the context is little know to a reader. The only thought that came to my mind after reading was…this is where we feel humans…touched by situations we get into emotions that are wild (since they are not controlled) and asking to Allah (recognizing him)…Oh Allah !! take me out of this… Aaaah..!!!

  9. Among the chaos of our lives and randomness…theres always a pattern and when we find it our questions are almost always answered:)

  10. Prayers I can offer you. I think it is an essential start to know that the battle is within yourself. And now write. Writing can bring you sanity.

  11. hey hey!! this is a very nice website here and I just wanted to comment & say that you’ve done a great job here! Very nice choice of colors & layout, very easy on the eyes.. Nicely done!…

  12. I don’t know you but your post has touched my heart so I will pray for you (even though my prayers may be to a different deity…though I hope not). I too have gone through great conflict with myself and I don’t know how to console you. I wouldn’t know how to even console myself when I went through such periods. I only hope that you know somebody who loves you and values you. If you remember such a one (or ones) it will carry you through.

    Also, I hope that comments even from me mean at least a little to you though I understand if you don’t want me to comment.

  13. Wow!!
    You sound just like what I have been going through.. and for the same duration.. ONE complete year.. and sometimes I too wonder where did “I” go? Am I really this weak? Can I be hurt so badly that I will never be able to get out of the nightmare?
    I too stopped writing… because just like you said I was very much frustrated. Whatever I was coming up with were just depressed posts.. and in my frustration I realized that all that I had written before wasn’t up to the mark, I would say, no one actually reads what I write, I am not a writer, so why do I even attempt? And so I gave up..

    And you know what.. writing was the only outlet I had… No matter how depressed my articles turned out to be, at least I was able to get the words onto the paper and feel relaxed for a while.. But that was not always true, sometimes writing what I was feeling got me even more endorssed into it and I felt the pressure building up.. Yet I had something at least, I had something I could turn to.. Something that someday might give me enough strength to let go..

    And so I tried to write again.. at a new place… gave up again.. and was again pushed back into this world by friends and acquaintances (again just like you).. And you know what? One artilce, which may not seem directly related to what I went through, got a lot of my frustration out. Because the article was at the same time not related to me, and somehow very much about me. And getting it all out was eventually what set me free…

    But it took a long time.. Not the article. The article must have hardly take an hour.. but the suffering, the depression, the pressure, the stress, the tension, the feeling of trying to wear a mask to show to the entire world and not being able to actually pull it through, as most of the people saw right through it.. all of it.. all of it… it took a long long time..

    But the thing is… the thing to remember is.. you always always emerge through the ocean you seem to be sinking in.. you won’t sink.. you won’t loose yourself.. you are NOT a lost case..

    Just don’t loose yourself by giving up on things you love to do..

    This is a cruel world.. yet you have to live in it.. and try to make it a better place..

    If you could come up with the above brilliant post, it means you are a writer, you have the courage to put what you feel to the paper, and most importantly you are NOT weak… and that is something, won’t you say?

    :)

    I don’t know what I have written above,, but it’s all what I went through.. and I survived..and so will you.. our stories might be very different.. yet we are the actors of the same play called life.. and we all survive until it’s our time.. :)

    May Allah bless you, and may Allah helps you in sorting a way out of the chaos. Ameen :)

  14. […] It has been some time since I last wrote my post about being a Lost Wanderer. […]

  15. May ALLAH TA’ALA protect you from everything which is hurting for you Ameen Summa Ameen.


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