Lying in Desert Of thoughts..

Am simply blank at the moment..Was waiting from whole of the day to come and pen down all the crap going on in my mind but it’s really has become TOO much difficult to share myself now .Pata nahin kyun but with passage of time am becoming very different to what i once used to be..Each n every passing moment brings hell a LOT changes in my personality..

Ok lemme start from saturday .. 20th Jan.. Meray Abba jee(My maternal grand pa) ki death aniversary.. I miss him TOO much these days especially..He’s the one ke jinn per meri aik aik sans maqrooz hay..And yeah he’s the only one ke jinke baray main apne blood relations se hatt ke mein aaj tak kabhi kisi ko kuch nahin keh payee.. Kyunke unke baray mein kuch kehna meray liye na mumkin hay.. Agar main apne aur unke baray me bayan karne lagoon tow buhat se auraaq palat jayen gay jo key mujhe aglay kayee dinoon tak bay taab rakhen gay..Sach tow yeh hay ke main kabhi bhi itni himat apne ander mehsoos he nahin kar payee..

Aur 20th Jan ki raat 11.35 per he meray bhai ki flight thee .Had only one sibling with me and he has also gone.. He used to be in cadet college previously.. And everyone’s thinking that it’s not a big deal to make ourselves adjusted in own lives..BUT there’s a LOT difference btw Hira of 12 years and Hira of 16 years . Pehlay main apne aap ko hisaar-e-zaat main muqeed rakhti thee per abb jab kuch safhaat nikal kar phat bhi chuke hain,mujhe apne kuch apne apni jaan se ziyada azeez ho gaye hain.. And Bhai was one of them . Those who were closed to me know that i had a very closed yet mysterious relation with him..Like we NEVER shared anything of ours intentionally..He used to declare me a riddle or a mysterious personality lolz and never tried to intrupt in my thoughts.. We both had different goals,opposite aims,dissimilar paths yet we both respected and loved eachother from heart..I guess we were forced to do this cuz of blood relation we shared. But i can’t really deny that he has always taken care of me indirectly.. Giving me surprise for the first time in life..exchange of gifts..Baat baat pe cherna..Such lil things used to add beauty in our relation . I did not believe for one moment even that he really is leaving me. I dunno why..but i am not having this thought in my mind even TILL now.. Despite of missing him anxiously..Despite of looking for him everywhere..Despite of crying a lot while giving him a hug,despite of having silent tears in my eyes all the time i am forced to believe that i have not really believed that he has gone so much far away..I still wonder that he will come in his specific style.. And will start giving me deadlines lol.. Vo chalay gaye per ajeeb sa intezaar reh gaya hay (: Buhat ajeeb sa.. 9 saal ba’ad tak tow meri shaksiyat pata nahin kiss had tak masakh chuki ho gi..

Everyone else is busy with own life and indulged in own specific circle aur main buhat jagahoon per hotey hoye bhi kahin nahin..

I dunno why but am really getting mad to have a shoulder to cry a lot..magar door door tak KISI ke bhi asaar nahin aur shayad yehi zindagi hoti hay..i wonder when will i believe that this is life and this bitter yet true reality of relations..

And yeah..today after a LONG time i missed Maria a lot.. Maria,my first and ONLY friend on earth..We had shared a strond bond for about last 5 years !! Buhat kuch hua…buhat utaar charhao aaye but still humain kisi ajanay se ehsaas ne alehda hone nahi diya.. I remember when she had written me a long letter that it’s better for both of us to move in our own lives and i didn’t utter a word for a long time..But time brought her back to me lolz..as she used to say that she has become used to of my companionship lolz..But i can’t really deny ke uss ke ba’ad meri zindagi me koi AIK bhi aisa nahin aaya jo mera aitbar iss DOSTI naam ki cheez per se bahaaal karta..Kuch ne karne ki kooshish ki magar waqt ne unki koshishoon ke peechay chupay mafhoom ko bhi zahir kar diya..

Had a surprise maths test in college..And i was blank to such an extent that despite of being familiar with all solutions could not attempt even a single one..And then i cried a lot and guess what guys.. Reality of my SO CALLED friends also became clear.. I didn’t have any proper relation in college but about 50 girls in class of 73 used to send me msgs daily trying to make me assure of their friendship..and today there was NOT a SINGLE person to wipe my tears or to even ask a question abt anything related to me..Teachers though pointed me out throughout the day and i hated to give answers to their stupid questions..

And what more?My memory does not help me to remind of everything else happened today..And even if it does i dun wanna go for those details as they will do nothing but will prove me a psycic case(which i am already lol)..

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