.. :)

Hmm.. KAFEE dinoon se buhat kuch likhne ka sooch rahee thee..As this is the only place left now where i open or describe bit of thoughts going on in my mind.. Magar my mood swings dont allow me to find myself in harmony :$ And anything if not written in harmony is useless..

What to say more??Yeah,wanted to thank Bhaiyya jan for saying me to create this blog..Yesterday was really thinking that i collect and gather my thoughts to post in blog ( it’s though a different matter that i post only a few from those)But really it does help me to make over myself.. The first step to come over any state is to realise main problem..Detection of main thing helps us to come over that mental phase and collecting my shattered thoughts help me to understand myself  (:

Yeh blog jahan aap sab ko mujhe jananay main madad deta ho ga waheen iss nay mujhay bhee apni zaat kay ander jhankanay kaa aik mauqa faraham kiyaa….Humara sab say bara almiyaa yeh hay kay hum apni sakhsiyat ko,..apnay aapko hee kabhee bhee sahee say naheen jaan patay hain :)Hallankay jab tak aqal ka safar khatam naheen ho ga,rooh kay safar ki hum ibtidaa ka tasavur bhee kesay kar saktay hain??Hum apnay ird gird kay hallaat,…duniya main ro-nama honay walay waqiyaat,apnay gid-o-navah ki masroofiyaat tau buhat shauq say mehsoos kartay hain magar apni shaksiyat ka bao`oz jaiza lainay say hamesha katratay hain kyunkay yeh jaiza humain humaree asliyat say aagah jo kar deta hay…….Hallankay bahesiyat-e-insaan aur phir musalmaan,…yehi ghaur -o-fikar insaan ko usski duniya main haqeeqat say roshnaas karva deta hay…Aur yaheen say rooh kay safar ka aghaaz hota hay jo ishq-e-haqeeqi ki janib pehla qadam hay  (:

And thankew Bhaiyya for allowing me to have this chance (:

Aur kya bataoon??Have decided not to discuss any of my thoughts to ANYONE neither on msn nor on phone aur wesay real life main tow aise kisi ke close hoon he nahin abb..Whatever situations are created by my Allah or my luck are to teach me few lessons and i can’t really deny that each and every thing happened taught me a lesson..All this crap is happening to teach me new things from whom i never had gone through before ..

And it’s better for me to understand now that NO one can do anything for me..I myself have to take decisions and steps…

Thankyou all of you for reading stupidities of mine..

Dedication for My Loved ones..

Wont waste my time in saying some thing ordinary but as i read this poem,many of my beloveds came into my mind..Very simple yet heart touching (: And this one’s dedicated to you all…Some of my beloveds may not find chance to read it ever,but.. (:

I love you more than life itself
But I’m afraid to love.
My heart is like the fragile wings
Of a tiny little dove.

I’m scared to get too close.
I feel that I can’t win.
You’ll love me for a little while
Then you’ll set me free again.

I’ve lived so long on hopes and dreams
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t think I can trust my heart,
For it belongs to you.

I know you’ll only hurt me
Yet, I still keep running back.
Between the paths of our hearts
There’s a worn and beaten track.

You’ve got my heart held on a string.
It’s breaking right in two.
Enough belongs to me -to hurt-
The rest belongs to you.

I know that somewhere in your heart
There is a place for me.
I just don’t know how to find it
And there’s no way to make you see.

I can only hope that someday
You’ll wake up and you’ll find,
That while my heart belongs to yours,
Yours, too, belongs to mine…

Lying in Desert Of thoughts..

Am simply blank at the moment..Was waiting from whole of the day to come and pen down all the crap going on in my mind but it’s really has become TOO much difficult to share myself now .Pata nahin kyun but with passage of time am becoming very different to what i once used to be..Each n every passing moment brings hell a LOT changes in my personality..

Ok lemme start from saturday .. 20th Jan.. Meray Abba jee(My maternal grand pa) ki death aniversary.. I miss him TOO much these days especially..He’s the one ke jinn per meri aik aik sans maqrooz hay..And yeah he’s the only one ke jinke baray main apne blood relations se hatt ke mein aaj tak kabhi kisi ko kuch nahin keh payee.. Kyunke unke baray mein kuch kehna meray liye na mumkin hay.. Agar main apne aur unke baray me bayan karne lagoon tow buhat se auraaq palat jayen gay jo key mujhe aglay kayee dinoon tak bay taab rakhen gay..Sach tow yeh hay ke main kabhi bhi itni himat apne ander mehsoos he nahin kar payee..

Aur 20th Jan ki raat 11.35 per he meray bhai ki flight thee .Had only one sibling with me and he has also gone.. He used to be in cadet college previously.. And everyone’s thinking that it’s not a big deal to make ourselves adjusted in own lives..BUT there’s a LOT difference btw Hira of 12 years and Hira of 16 years . Pehlay main apne aap ko hisaar-e-zaat main muqeed rakhti thee per abb jab kuch safhaat nikal kar phat bhi chuke hain,mujhe apne kuch apne apni jaan se ziyada azeez ho gaye hain.. And Bhai was one of them . Those who were closed to me know that i had a very closed yet mysterious relation with him..Like we NEVER shared anything of ours intentionally..He used to declare me a riddle or a mysterious personality lolz and never tried to intrupt in my thoughts.. We both had different goals,opposite aims,dissimilar paths yet we both respected and loved eachother from heart..I guess we were forced to do this cuz of blood relation we shared. But i can’t really deny that he has always taken care of me indirectly.. Giving me surprise for the first time in life..exchange of gifts..Baat baat pe cherna..Such lil things used to add beauty in our relation . I did not believe for one moment even that he really is leaving me. I dunno why..but i am not having this thought in my mind even TILL now.. Despite of missing him anxiously..Despite of looking for him everywhere..Despite of crying a lot while giving him a hug,despite of having silent tears in my eyes all the time i am forced to believe that i have not really believed that he has gone so much far away..I still wonder that he will come in his specific style.. And will start giving me deadlines lol.. Vo chalay gaye per ajeeb sa intezaar reh gaya hay (: Buhat ajeeb sa.. 9 saal ba’ad tak tow meri shaksiyat pata nahin kiss had tak masakh chuki ho gi..

Everyone else is busy with own life and indulged in own specific circle aur main buhat jagahoon per hotey hoye bhi kahin nahin..

I dunno why but am really getting mad to have a shoulder to cry a lot..magar door door tak KISI ke bhi asaar nahin aur shayad yehi zindagi hoti hay..i wonder when will i believe that this is life and this bitter yet true reality of relations..

And yeah..today after a LONG time i missed Maria a lot.. Maria,my first and ONLY friend on earth..We had shared a strond bond for about last 5 years !! Buhat kuch hua…buhat utaar charhao aaye but still humain kisi ajanay se ehsaas ne alehda hone nahi diya.. I remember when she had written me a long letter that it’s better for both of us to move in our own lives and i didn’t utter a word for a long time..But time brought her back to me lolz..as she used to say that she has become used to of my companionship lolz..But i can’t really deny ke uss ke ba’ad meri zindagi me koi AIK bhi aisa nahin aaya jo mera aitbar iss DOSTI naam ki cheez per se bahaaal karta..Kuch ne karne ki kooshish ki magar waqt ne unki koshishoon ke peechay chupay mafhoom ko bhi zahir kar diya..

Had a surprise maths test in college..And i was blank to such an extent that despite of being familiar with all solutions could not attempt even a single one..And then i cried a lot and guess what guys.. Reality of my SO CALLED friends also became clear.. I didn’t have any proper relation in college but about 50 girls in class of 73 used to send me msgs daily trying to make me assure of their friendship..and today there was NOT a SINGLE person to wipe my tears or to even ask a question abt anything related to me..Teachers though pointed me out throughout the day and i hated to give answers to their stupid questions..

And what more?My memory does not help me to remind of everything else happened today..And even if it does i dun wanna go for those details as they will do nothing but will prove me a psycic case(which i am already lol)..

So called MUSLIM eastern Girls Of Pakistan..

Buhat he afsoos se aaj main yeh haqeeqat tasleem karne per majboor hoon ke main AAJ ki no’javaan nasal ka hisa hoon..Un nau’javanoon main mera uthna bethna hay jo na sirf Islami Aqdaar ko faramosh kar chuke hain bulkey jinn ke nazdeeq zindagi ka maqsad bas ENJOYMENT he reh gaya hay ..Main jiss dharay main beh rahee hoon wahan ki larkiyan apnee sharm-o-haya ko pas-e-pusht daal ke har cheez ka MAZA chakhnay ko durust maanti hain !!

Anyhow,coming back to my topic.. Thing which forced me to create this was a view of DRUNK girls in my college !! Humare college main drugs miltay hain,i knew this (: Kahan se milte hain,i even was aware of this fact..Main yeh bhi janti thee ke larkiyan buhat si doosri sargarmiyoon ka hisa hain,na sirf unn sargarmiyoon ka bulke apni izat ko daao per lagane wale af’aal ka bhi shikaar hain.. But had NEVER viewed all this stuff by myself..

But yesterday,..i got to see some girls who had taken drugs..Masters aur bachelors ki theen.. I instantly complained..And they were caught..Magar OONCHAY khandaan se hone ki wajah warning dey kar chor diya gaya..Also they were good in studies tow iss baat ka bhi lehaaz rakha gaya ke final exams qareeb hain..Afterall my college is ONLY concerned with RESULT which students produce..They dont really care for whatever is happening..Laiken uss ke foran ba’ad mujhe bhi warning mill gayee unn larkiyoon ki taraf se !! Key mujhe unke ma’mlaat main parne ki zaroorat nahin..Main junior hoon junior he rahoon tow behtar hay… Aur yehi wajah hay ke aaj maine college aur academy dono se chuti kee..As i knew key mujhe apne fellows ke kiss kisam ke savalaat ka javab deyh hona hay !! Dair se he sahi mujhe unn savalat ka javab tow dena he hay..magar abb mujhe jazbaat per qabu he rakhna ho ga…

I also know a college in Islamabad..Jahan AISI AISI harkaat hoti hain ke jin ke baray main main sooch ke he sharminda ho jati hoon.. Also wahan ki HAR class main AIK ya do larkiyan aisi LAZMI hain jo BAA’QAIDGEE se smoking aur drink kartee hain.. Mujhe yeh batain..bulke poori poori tafseelaat pehlay bhi pata chalti rehti theen but i never believed ke HUMAREEE larkiyaan aisa kar sakti hain..

One more college in Rwp..jiss main abhi pichlay maheenay larkiyan prohibited medicines aur aik dosre ko injections lagate hoyee pakri gayeen.. Aik aur larki USSI din college se AGHVA ho gayee…Uss larki ki ammi ka kehna hay ke vo larki uss din college NA jane per zidd kar rahee thee magar ussay zabardasti bheja gaya magar chuti ho gaye aur uski wapisi na hoyee .. Aur phir pata chala ke uss ko aghva kar liya gaya hay…

One of my neighbours..Aap uss larki ko dekhain tow she seems to be SUCH an innocent and sweet girly by face..Studying in graduation.. Mama uss ki MAASOOMIYAT ki aksar tareef karti hain..And even I myself believed her to be like that untill i myself heard few statement from her .. Affairs chalana tow kher aaj kal MAJORITY larkiyaan ki hobby ban gaya hay.. laiken vo larki iss say KAHIN aagay niklee aur apne waldain,aur pooray khandaan ki izat daboonay ka bayes bani…

Aur aisee an-gint misalain humain apne ird gird nazar aati hain..Kya hay yeh sab??Yeh hain vo haya ka paikar jinn ko MASHRIQI kaha jata hay?Yeh hain vo islam ki AURATEEN..Aurat DHAKI CHUPI cheez ko kehtay hain jab ke yeh sab tow apni izat,namoos ki khud he dushman bani hoyee hain..Kya hum sab itney apni taleemaat se anjaan ho gaye hain ke humain ZARA se bhi sahi aur ghalat ki pehchaan nahi rahi?Humare diloon per iss qadar qalak mall dee gaye hay ke hum achay aur buray ki pehchaan khoo bethay hain??Hum kiss kisam ki la-hasil manzil ki janib barh rahe hain aakhir..

I know i have to suffer a lot for my complain about those girls.. Magar jo cheez mujhe kal se chubh rahi hay ke unn larkiyoon ki family se unn ki sifarish aaye thee..Matlab unn ke waldain bhi iss qadar andhay( Allah maaf kare) ho gaye hain ke unn ko apni betiyoon ke kartoot nazar nahi aatay.. iss qadar nadaaani..Kya koi keh sakta hay key yeh sab batain aik ISLAMI ma’ashray ka hisa hain..Laiken nahin abb islami mash’ra raha kahan ke abb humain iss ki tasdeeq ki zaroorat paray…Hum tow apne aaap ko musalmaan kehlane ke bhi qabil nahin rahay abb…

Silence Speaks..

A lack of thoughts
Or just of words?

A gentle hum
Across phone lines
The quiet rush
Of passing signs

An intake of breath
With thoughts in mind
Then letting it go
To not waste time

When we’re together
Who needs to talk?
My hand in yours
On a silent walk

In abscence of voice
The world stand still
But silence means more
Than words ever will..

Time to finish all this crap..

Okies..Finally i have succeeded to make this decision to move on with my life with only ones who love ME.. It’s been really enough.. My beloveds have started using me as a toy or a 2 years old baby.. Jiss ko pyaar se pichkaar ke khamosh kara diya jaye..Jiss ke saray shikvay apni muskurahat se door kar dee jayen..Aur phir agle din se dil tornay ka silsila jaari rakha jaye..

Yeah..that’s what has been happening from last many days.. Aik din pyaar se baat ki tow agle din taunting..I myself proved to be silly cuz i really loved them from heart…And I didn’t want to loose them.. I didn’t wanna end that relation from my side atleast..Buhat dafa buhat kuch toota aur phir se jorr liya gaya..Buhat dafa dooriyaan ayeen magar muhabbatain barha ke aur gilay shikvay dhoo ke qurbaten barha leen..But now my self-esteem is directly involved.. Constant taunting for NO cause has made me mad enough..

I have been enjoying MANY relations in my life..I have been blessed by so many beloveds..And yeah i have sensed every feeling of love..But now it’s time to have JUST few relations.. Time to have just those who respect me and wanna be with me.. I am not gonna be toy for anyone else now..

Special thanks to a very beloved sister and a precious asset of my life..,who made me convinced to finally take this decision  (: I just hope kay main apne iss faislay per sabit qadam reh paoon aur hamesha ki tarah apni muhabbatoon se shikast na khaa loon!!

In My Solitude..

In my solitude,
Eastern light brushes my face gaily.
North wind transfix me.
West slumbers kick up a shindy with East
And,
South is dusted with amber brown leaves,
Neath this bed,deep deep inside,
Lies a wakened world.

Sky aborned with beams of crimson and scarlet garnet.
Early bluebird sings and dances,hither and thither.
Daisies open their sweet petals
In the depth of praises.
Fearless and innocent.
Smile.
Pride in their hearts,for pearls of few lay in their folds,
And,
Puff of charming wind touch their silk
With a pacifying sound.
Little specture winnowing and buzzing.
Fields,mushy furrowed fields jublicant,
Wreathed in smiles.
Sulcate of golden wheat lulling.
In this beauteous land, here, yes,
Here I stand,
Though not acceptable,
Yet stands,
A reddened mapple I am
My meeked arms carry new lives,
My brooded leaves lollop,
And midget twidles lurk this
Sight marveled with tranquility,
My commotion can be heard for miles.
Plunged in my world,
I stand,
And see,every stranger,
Every remote land.
I stand,
And hear darting seasons of life,
Reverting back again and again,
With treacherous harmony.
I stand,
And feel cocksy movement of subterraneans.
I stand
And commemorate valourous tales of unknown lands
Appalling lightening
I stand,
In this realm clamorous yet silent,
With pastures swifting to and fro
And with rapt attention,
I hear,
And I’ll hear, till I stand..